It's My Party and I'll Cry if I Want To

Oh, yeah...I've thrown myself a big old Pity Party the last few days.  I know all about being positive in times of health crises; however, emotions hijack my intellect and negative thoughts poison my outlook.  I'm not beating myself up for how I feel -- I think it would be worse if I didn't acknowledge my feelings -- but the hard part is getting back on an even keel, not dwelling on the stinkiest aspects of this stinky experience.

So what does a Pity Party look like?  I submit that most people know because they've thrown one of their own.  (Aside: What's the origin of THROWING parties?  I mean, I've thrown showers, birthday parties, anniversary celebrations and I can't recall even one time when I've actually THROWN something. Just wondering.)  In my case, the party "un-favors" included fear, frustration, sadness, anger, exhaustion -- just overall bitchiness.  OK, so John asks how different is that from my everyday demeanor.  But, seriously and, more importantly, honestly, I am trying to teach myself to embrace these emotions because I think it helps me better appreciate the tiniest of silver linings that appear now and then.  I want to be fully human and that means I need to accept the whole kit and kaboodle of this disease and all of its implications.

Full disclosure -- nobody would want to come to one of my Pity Parties; they're not fun.  There's a lot of crying, arguing, and blaming (self and others).  I think my biggest issue is loss of independence.  I've never wanted to be a diva or princess and consider myself to be fairly self-sufficient.  Now I rely on others for so much and it doesn't sit too well with me.  I know the drill -- other people want to help just as I want to help others -- but it's just so damn hard to accept!

Pity Party's over, folks! Thanks for listening.  Oh, one last thing...cancer sucks!  OK, now it's over.

John and I are heading to Rochester this evening ahead of my appointment tomorrow with Dr. Hogan, one of Mayo Clinic's hematologists.  By the weekend we should know if I am a viable candidate for a Blood and Marrow Transplant (BMT).

John's brother and his wife,  Dave and Pat Dorn, graciously invited us to stay at their home in Rochester when we have appointments.  We are so grateful for their kindness and hospitality.  Plus, Pat will come to our appointments to be another pair of ears.  See, that's one of those silver linings!

Love, kisses and hugs to everyone!